Tug of War

I talked to my mom today, again about Dad. I tried to convince her to talk to his doctor, get him to prescribe some specific physical therapy for him, in hopes this would force him into some strengthening exercises for his legs. Her reaction seems so negative, passive, and it is so frustrating to me. I know I must be a pain to her sometimes when I get so determined to make a point. She often agrees at the end, probably just to change the subject. It's always an uncomfortable phone call, the old guilt returns--me harassing my mother, me being so ungrateful, me making her feel like crap.

I think Dad is in a real slide downwards, physically, and he seems so depressed, uninterested. It's not just that he can't get out of a chair easily, or that it hurts to move his leg from the gas pedal to the brake. It's those, too, but it's also that he doesn't answer my email anymore, and doesn't get me on the phone anymore with questions about the genealogical project I'm working on. He didn't sound right on the phone a few days ago. I know he is 76 years old, but he does not need to be doing this badly. I'm thrashing around, looking for some way to make it better, to get him a few more good years.

And all my mother has ever done is complain about him. He could be a bully, she could be a doormat. They argued violently when they were younger, they bicker and snipe in lower tones now. I suspect they were both disappointed pretty quickly after they got married. But, Mom's attitude...what it is, I can't quite put my finger on it. She really must not think I'm that smart--I suggest things that might be worth trying to improve his physical or mental condition. Instead, she tries to explain to me why his condition is the way it is. And it's a mixture of real causes and damning character flaws, as usual. He has diabetes II, and cheats on his diet. He's led a life of relative inactivity. He sits downstairs listening to the stereo all night, or upstairs on the computer all night. His mother never got up out of her chair, either.

I try not to sigh, try not cut her off. I really am trying. She sees the problem, but can't imagine doing anything to make it better. Whatever I suggest, she has some reason why it is pointless. And I cannot imagine how someone can give up like this. I almost think she doesn't care.